If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. —Mark 3:25
TODAY’S DARE
Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to “fight” by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand.
Journal Questions:
If your spouse participate with you, what was their response? What rules did you write for yourself?
My responses:
I began my "fighting fair" rules way back 4 months ago when at Couples Therapy we decided to create the rules. It had been talked about for about 6 months by then already. I have brought it up to Steve several times, he never engages in creating the list.
This list is under "Construction" - additions, changes and deletions etc.
- No procrastinations. We practice the preventative, proactive and restorative approach.
- We practice effective listening: active and empathetic listening, problem Solving and conflict Resolution
- Time-Out - We get a time out if we get too heated, but must come back to the discussion that night.
- No Blow-Offs. If we both agree to set it for another night, we can, but must follow through -- no sweeping it under the carpet.
- We are allowed to express and show emotions--they are supported NOT yelled at.
- We are allowed to disagree and need to come to a resolution we both agree on, and follow through.
- We are allowed to remind each other to enforce these rules / or rules being broken.
- We never walk out on the other and don't come back.
- No holding back, issues are discussed immediately, or soon after a disagreement or a day set - and it's stuck to.
- No extreme defensiveness--explanations are allowed.
- Maybe set a time frame so we don't go on for hours.
- Hear each other out completely. No one gets shut down or ignored.
- EACH person must contribute and invest. (No blaming for "talking at" since both sides talk.)
- It's a safe place where we are able to express ourselves and our issues and be accepted.
- No refusing to talk, dismissing, ignoring.
- No acting out to shut the other one down or aggressive behavior.
"When you intentionally injure your partner, it’s like saying, “You are not safe with me. I will do whatever it takes to defend and protect myself or to win.”
Definitions: Name-calling vs. Naming a behavior.
Name-calling is a negative nasty name that's intended to hurt or get someone to shut down, an untruth by action. ie DB, loser, piece of crap.
However, naming a behavior is NOT the same as name-calling and can be used to define the way a person is indeed acting.
i.e.
Jerk: being rude, ignoring you, acting.
Irresponsible: He didn't pay his bills.
Immature: acting child like, defiant, argumentative for no good reason.
Insensitive: Not validating your hurt feelings and acting compassionate.
No comments:
Post a Comment